How to Spot and Survive a Love Bomber
Narcissism Series from Sense-Ability Hypnotherapy & Coaching
Written by Senses-Ability Client, Nicola T, Edited by Jane Pendry; illustration (c) Nicola T.
What is a Love Bomber? How do they operate? How do you avoid them?
In this series of articles on narcissistic abuse, Sense-Ability client, shares how she learnt to identify, and recover from, trauma and a pattern of narcissistic abuse.
Nicola’s healing gift to you
Solution Focused Hypnotherapy is the ideal process to help people Recover from Toxic Break-ups resulting from bullying, narcissistic abuse, coercive control or gaslighting once they are physically safe and understand what has happened to them. The process gives clients personal agency to find their own solutions and rebuild their lives.
Part of Nicola’s solution is to share what she has learnt about surviving narcissistic abuse in the hope others will be forewarned and forarmed, or better able to heal and recover.
How to Spot and Survive a Love Bomber
Slow down.
Watch out!
Please be aware narcissists are predators on the hunt. A eagle looking to catch their next prey.
Over the past decade, love bombing has become an increasing issue for younger people age 18-25. In fact it’s estimated that 70% of those aged between 18-55 have experienced some form of love bombing at some time in their lives. Women are in the highest risk category.
Solution Focused Hypnotherapist, who works with victims of narcissistic abuse, explains, “This may be because many women are more likely to have been abused early in life and have lower self esteem, and a desire or need to be loved and validated. Attachment issues, isolation and loneliness are risk factors that make us vulnerable to love bombing.”
Moving too Fast
The biggest red flag is when moving relationships move too fast!
If within days or weeks your pursuer is saying things like “I love you” and saying they want to get married just a very short time or within a few days or weeks of meeting, it’s a big warning sign.
Too much Affection and Praise
Love bombing is when an individual shows great interest in another person and showers them with gifts love and affection. The pursuer overwhelms his (or her) victim with lavish attention.
The narcissistic Love Bomber moves fast, brainwashing their victim while showering them with love. They are preparing the ground for later gaslighting (more of that later), manipulation and control. It won’t be long before they isolate their victim, pulling them away from family and friends.
Trust your Gut
Jane explains, “It can be possible to be wildly attracted to someone at first sight of course, but anyone pushing you faster than you want to go, making demands, overly flattering you and swamping you with attention is a threat. And you know it. You feel it in your body. There’s always an alarm signal but sometimes we over-ride it.
“Love bombers aim to create a deep emotional connection very fast to destabilise you, with a view to gaining control and make you dependent on them fast. So the key to avoiding being devalued and discarded down the line, is to cut and run at the beginning!”
Finding their Victims
Jane explained why this strategy can be so effective. “The love bomber has selected his or her victim carefully. Some are looking for people with an abandonment issues who crave love and attention. Others love the challenge of controlling and taming strong independent people, and using them to bolster their own fragile sense of self. Anyone, especially young people, can be targeted by these bullies and control freaks, and often they play a long slow game.”
What to Look Out For
Initial Tactics to Draw you In
Here’s a list to make you aware of the love bomber’s initial tactics to lure you in.
Excessive positive compliments and praise
Constant sharing intense emotions
Showering you with lavish gifts
Intense conversations about marriage, and your future life together
Rarely asking about your needs, hopes or dream
A Villain in Shining Armour
Love bombing is used by a narcissist to hook someone with the aim of gaining control over a vulnerable individual. So beware of apparent knights in shining armour turning up on a white horse. If it feels to good to be true… it is!
My ex husband appeared to be that knight in armour. He showered me with gifts, flowers and attention, and all the fake admiration of the love bomber. He hooked me in, then a very young woman, at record speed. Even as I had my doubts and concerns, he began his charm offensive on my family and I soon felt trapped and powerless
It was not long before the armour went rusty and he became controlling, severely mentally unbalanced, and psychologically abusive.
Losing your Sense of Self
So when someone falls victim to a love bomber’s ambition they lose all sense of themselves.
Jane explains, “Victims lose a sense of their agency. Pushed and pulled back and forth between being showered with a performance e of need and undying love, promises and hope, and criticism, undermining and isolation, the victim feels like they are standing in an earthquake zone. Nothing is stable or secure and they wonder if it’s them. They try to pacify and please their partner.
“Victims live in increasing fear and confusion. They lose their personal agency and find decision making hard. Increasingly isolated, they are torn between a fear of abandonment, and a desire are desire to escape. But now escaping has consequences, from financial or reputational ruin, to violence and cruelty. Now they are truly trapped.”
Why Do People Love Bomb?
For love bombers, it’s all about seeking validation and filling the empty hole and sense of shame where their self worth should. It can never be filled.
Overwhelmed by Closeness
Narcissists are very insecure people who are disengaged and avoidant. They love bomb and use flattery to control but cannot cope with genuine intimacy or the ups and downs of a real loving relationship. They are actually overwhelmed by closeness unless they are in control. So when their victim begins to show signs of need and vulnerability, the love bomber begins to devalue and undermine them.
Love Bombers’ Needs
The dynamic is based entirely on the love bomber’s needs. Love bombers goes to extreme lengths to secure the relationship at high speed. Simply not securing the others love and devotion triggers intense anxiety and fear of abandonment.
Control and Power
By overwhelming and charming a partner, the love bomber feels powerful, attractive, and in control. They make their partners feel amazing. Put them on a pedestal. Praise their beauty, talents and abilities.
Most of the time, the victim will not even realise what’s happening to them until it’s too late to walk away.
Three Stages of Love Bombing
There are three stages of love bombing. Idealisation, devaluation and discarding. We will look at them each in turn.
The Idealisation Stage
The love bomber will agree with you on everything and say what you want to hear. These are the sorts of ways they idealise you.
Telling you they are your soul mates
Amazing you by having the same hobbies and interests
Giving you excessive compliments and approval very early on
Bombarding you with texts and emails
Wanting to be alone with you all the time
Isolating you from family and friends
Seeming too good to be true
Over-sexualising you and treating you like a prize
Sometimes boasting, exaggerating and grandiose statements to impress
Devaluation
After the love bombing phase, the manipulator soon starts to devalue the victim. Affection, praise, gifts and positive attention steadily diminish. The tormentor will begins to blame his love interest for their his loss of interest.
Then comes criticism, insults, undermining, and gaslighting, when the abuser starts to deny the reality of what’s going on. The manipulator often begins to whittle away at the victim's self-worth and sanity, while still keeping then isolated and fearful, making them mote and more vulnerable and dependent.
Discarding
Finally, the manipulator moves towards the discarding phase.
Now they have complete control over the victim, the abuser decides to end the relationship and withdraw attention abruptly. They may suddenly leave them, start another relationship or force them to leave the shared home but with little explanation and no kindness. This is generally deeply confusing and painful for the victim, who had tried so hard to meet the needs of the abuser.
It’s likely the manipulator has moved on to another new target before discarding the last one, to repeat the cycle of love bombing and devaluation.
So be warned. It has nothing to do with you; and everything to do with the love bomber.
Getting Over Love Bombing
Jane Pendry at Sense-Ability helps people recover from love bombing and narcissistic abuse with Rewind Trauma Therapy, Solution Focused Hypnotherapy and NLP when they are physically safe and have gained clarity on what has happened to them through counselling or research of their own.
These patterns of behaviour are often associated with narcissistic personality traits and can have significant emotional and psychological impact on the victims. If you suspect you're in such a situation, seeking support from friends, family, or a mental health professional is crucial.
Once you are physically safe, away from your abusers, and have been heard, validated and believed by friends, relatives or counsellors, then its time to get help.
Jane will help you recover and overcome the trauma, with Rewind Trauma Therapy, and steadily rebuild your sense of self and purpose with soothing Solution Focused Hypnotherapy. Get in touch to find out more.
Jane Pendry
BA Hons (London), PGCE (Cantab), DSFH, HPD, AfSFH, ABNLP, ABH, CNCH, IARTT
Sense-Ability Hypnotherapy & Coaching
jane@sense-ability.co.uk
07843 813883
www.sense-ability.co.uk
Wheatley, Oxford, United Kingdom
Online across the U.K. and Europe